Sister Aimee Semple McPherson, evangelist to the stars, Admiral of the Salvation Navy, keeper of its lighthouses, all round Foursquare shaker of the up and up, was last seen going under for the third time off the Golden Coast! All searches fruitless! Her hot stud radio operator also reported missing! O Hope! dazzling, radiant Hope!This just in! Sister Aimee kidnapped by Atheist Avengers, who demand half a mil or they'll sell her into white slavery! Stay close to your radios, folks, and don't forget to buy Hearst newspapers!
Late breaking news! Sister Aimee crosses desert after fearless escape! Dressed to the nines, no sweat stains! No sand in her shoes! It's a miracle! Her message to doubters: "It's my story and I'm sticking to it."
2 comments:
It is widely rumoured that Sister McPherson was merely trying to bring Salvation to the Psoriadermalomatitus workers at Amalgamated Widgets, and the execs from that monstrous corporation whisked her off to avert the wrath of enlightened Psoriadermalomatituses, who might very well have organized and taken over the world through itchy skin.
It might, however, as I've said, be only a rumour. Or a pack of cards. I'll let you know.
I feel called upon to nip this rumor in the proverbial bud, as it is a FACT that in 1926 - the year this missive went out (yes, it arrived a little late) - Amalgamated Widgets was headquartered in Altoona, Pennsylvania. Sister Aimee made her reappearance in Aqua Prieta, a Mexican border town. I'll remind you there is no desert in Altoona. While it is a known fact that her missionary work brought her in contact with the pustule-afflicted, victims of psoriadermalomatitus were not among them. Furthermore, although Amalgamated Widgets did relocate to Cuidad Juarez (a long walk from Aqua Prieta) following the passage of NAFTA, this was some seventy-odd years later, thirty years after Aimee McPherson went to her reward. So what you propose is highly unlikely, I am afraid. Still, this being the internets, I respect your right to repeat unsubstantiated rumors. Just don't make a mess.
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