Sunday, February 19, 2006

Xiktheus


Pope Xiktheus I (b. 1154 A.D. - d. 1219) Born of uncertain origins and adopted at birth by a conclave of monks residing in caves within the Bavarian Alps. He was given the name Hans-Peter Neumann. The monks' high hopes for young Hans-Peter came to fruition when he was taken under the wing of Gustav Hoffman, the order's brewmeister. In the coming years, Neumann was to help win the order many awards for his ale making prowess.

Neumann was kidnapped in the spring of 1187 by black sheep members of a Bohemian Benedictine Order and was subsequently traded to a Belgian order of Cistercian monks for 3 and a half tons of barley. He resided in the monastery at Villers-la-Ville from 1189 to 1213.

In November of 1213, Neumann was summoned to appear before Anti-Pope Simpleton II at the Anti-Vatican in Rome. He was ordered to report directly to the Adriatic League to train for the bigs. For the next four years, Neumann's brewing skills were put to test as never before, and in the spring of 1218, Hans-Peter Neumann received The Call. Only it was not to the Anti-Vatican League as expected. No, an esteemed Board of Cardinals elected Neumann to become Pope Xiktheus I.

As popes go, Xiktheus proved better than most, partly due the fact he served only fifteen months. In that time he was able to establish the most modern of all medeival Vatican breweries. Alas, Pope Xiktheus never got to sample the first batch, as he was stabbed to death on the morning of March the 15th, 1219, by his old mentor and teacher, Gustav Hoffman. Hoffman surrendered his weapon and threw himself at the mercy of the Cardinals, pleading justification due to copyright infringement. His life was spared since there was now a vacancy for the job of Chief Vatican Brewer and with his credentials, he qualified.

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