Hits and Misses and an Occasional Foul
Ah don't remember Cletis or Brandine so much, but ah shooooore do lahk Heather June. We allus cawled her Bedbug, tho, cuz she shooooore duz baht, specially when layin' dayown.Yup.Shhhooooooooooore duz.
I must take exception to this addition to your otherwise excellent site. No rural upland dwellers with monikers such as Cletus and Brandine Spuckler would ever name their offspring "Heather." Emma Paul, Betty-Jim or Carrie-Bob are acceptable choices for the typical hillbilly-American (as we want to remain politically correct, we shall refer to them as "mountain williams"). No one over three hundred feet in elevation has ever named their girl children anything but Jennifer, Ashley, or Amanda. However, if these are lowland folk (valley johhnies), other nomenclature would be more appropriate. More popular selections would be Sara Claire, Emma Jo, and the ever popular Seamy Lou. Western Tennessee, of course, is a caution, as most females of the species are referred to as "Elvine."
Well Dr. Smarty Pants, whose name fits, Cletus and Brandine Spuckler sired every one of the following little bedbugs: Tiffany, HEATHER, Cody, Dylan, Dermot, Jacob, Jordan, Taylor, Brittany, Wesley, Rumor, Scout, Cassidy, Zoe, Chloe, Max, Hunter, Kendall, Caitlin, Noah, Sasha, Morgan, Kyra, Ian, Lauren, Qbert, and Phil. If'n you don't believe me, just you google 'Simpson characters,' and you'll be a eatin' yer wirds.
Ah lahks mah wirds smuthered with kay-ro see-rup. Never did meet any o' them Spucklers lahk whut yews tawki'n abayout, other'n Bedbug. tho. We gots a Rumor P. Bridgewaller over the Crudd County lahn, now, but ah shore don't members no Qbert.Noooooooooooope. Shooooooooooooore don't.
Ah, well, by your own admission, this family is not typical of the Rural Intermountain Familial Registry of Regular American Folks (RIFRAF). The aforementioned Spuckler family resides in Springfield (or just outside the city limits), a decidedly Midamerican city. I refer to the nomenclature of the American Southeast and Midsouth, where names such as Hunter and Cassidy are not only uncommon, but unpronounceables as well. Can you see Brandine Spuckler at her back door calling for "Tee-fan-neee?" I can't. No, the Springfield Spucklers are not genuine RIFRAF. And if they hailed from northern mountainous regions, where there are certainly branches of the Mountain Williams and Valley Johnnies, the names would reflect their heritage. Boogers and Jethrines are commonly replaced with Sonnys, Tommys and Bathagula-on-the-Thames. A common cry often echoing through the Berkshire Hills is "Hey!! Bathagula-on-the-Thames! Come gitch flapjacks arreddy!!! Whattaya DEAF?! Gitcha butt in heah!"The only other difference is in the magazines to which they subscribe.Glad I was able to set you people straight. God knows what trouble you'd get into without me.
I dasn't dare provoke you further, Professor, except to point out that the Spucklers in question are of an itinerant sort and, as such, are displaced residents of a no doubt jerkwater district of the American South. Whether Williams or Johnnies, their former or present altitude, sir, is no concern of mine.
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