Saturday, August 29, 2009

Emir Timur

Mongol destroyer of lives. The Golden Horde, Persia, and multiple -stans fell at his feet. When faced in Delhi with an army of poison-tusked elephants, he stampeded flaming camels in their path. Built 28 towers of severed heads in Isfahan. Loved by his grandchildren.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Monday, August 17, 2009

Looper Loses It

It was along about the sixth ogre that Looper took the flutney in relief of Jupe, who was playing right outside grouch. In the very first snivel he lost his balance when a half-frummert for the Worms hooked his flipper with a frullip and sent him tumbling into the path of his own team's right overblat, causing said player to go down, losing possession of the pritz, as well as the use of an arm. From there it all went downhill. Under the yellow danger flag, the Worms scored two durmishes and a woomik, winning the game 84 to 45.

It was disappointing end to the Slugs' 43-man squamish season.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Charybdis

Naiad daughter of Poseidon, she stirred things up by steering the tides where water was apt to rise, claiming for Poseidon more ocean-front ocean and pissing Zeus the hell off.

So he turned her into a monster.

Not just any monster, either, but a seawater-sucking whirlpool of a monster. That's her, near the bluff of Scylla. Woe betide the sailor who sails between the rock and her hard place.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

kwan tsu

State of the surf.
"Gnarlacious! But totally bitchin' crunchers and pounders, dude."

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Sunday, August 09, 2009

Persephone

Daughter of Earth goddess Demeter, she was picking flowers with a clutch of nymphs when the earth split open and Hades grabbed her and whisked her off to the underworld, there to be his battered consort.

Angry Demeter gave the nymphs what-for by changing them into Sirens and then she set about searching for Persephone. This distracted her from her earthly duties, so the fields fell fallow, which did not sit well with Zeus. (Did I mention Zeus was Persephone's father? No? It hardly matters.) He sent Hermes to hell on a rescue mission.

Hades gave in and let her go, but on the condition she eat no infernal thing. Then he handed her a pomegranate. Now, everyone knows a pomegranate is a hell of a thing to eat, so Persephone, although she returned to earth the prodigal daughter, was bound by her contract to return every winter to serve as Queen of the Underworld. The earth would thus sleep in those months, but more importantly, people learned to go to warm, sinful places when it turned cold outside.

Saturday, August 08, 2009

Obvious Made Obviouser

Democratic senator and abortion doctor, Patrick Sullivan, today revealed at a town hall meeting a little known provision in the Senate's health care bill that would fund the retrofitting of thousands of obsolete telephone booths with cyanide gas tanks. These 'suicide booths' would then be installed in hospitals and nursing homes around the country, with 95 per cent of them concentrated in the red states.

Republican operatives posing as concerned citizens attending the town hall meeting in Nashua, New Hampshire, thanked the senator for his honesty in revealing what they suspected all along, and went home.

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

larval burl antithesis

Larva-bored burls are sought out and sawed into to produce masks for use in larva eradication rituals

Monday, August 03, 2009

George's chompers

Weren't wood, but those of
human, horse and donkey in a
hippo ivory plate.

Saturday, August 01, 2009