Elmer McCurdy

Inept outlaw killed in botched train robbery, mummified, and traded from sideshow to sideshow. This ain't him but if it were, it'd cost you two bits.

John Q. Netizen

any USB port in a storm

dovetail

beekeeper

bruno

mehitabels brother bruno werent too happy to foind shed shacked up with a cockroach i can tell you

Hilarius

Not Pope Hilarius, nor either of the Saints Hilarius. Not even the poet Hilarius, but Hilarius the burlesque simpleton.

A. Morphus Gel

the terror of opalization

young Gumby

Zephyrus

He's the gentle west wind and he heralds spring.
Wed his sister Iris, goddess of the rainbow.

laughing stock boy

at Aliens-R-Us

Manley Sturgeon

laughing stock broker

You know him..

..he's the jerk who was going out with her
in the beginning of the movie.

AstroTeen

2.0 mangabot dons the magic monocle
in order to behold 2.5d world.

tartanartiste

Thomas P. Squibins, former clown

The humor was gone from the thing, so Squibins hung up his oversized shoes and took up torch singing.

Tsavo Rodigliac

king of the modded autoclave helmeted mercenaries

possible evidence

Doctors continue their search for evidence of infanticide.

Samoan mask

. . . not.

Morgue Arrival M

Subject recovered from closet of Room 17E, downtown Hilton. Matches description of missing bellhop. Appears merged with luggage.

Saab knob

The visage of Aaron Caar, whose name became synonymous with automobiles, crowns the stick shift of a Saab Sonett.

Jim Hawkins

grew up fast on the Hispaniola

Little Andy Foster

Born April 3, 1948 in Roswell, New Mexico.
Mother, Linda Foster.
Father, unknown.

Madame Zora

The automated fortune teller arrived today.
My future looks bleak.

Zombie No. 793

Jiminy Weevil

Disnish herbivore

Chester

Chester was there at the station on time.
He never boarded or she never came.

Bilbo Baggins

at eleventy-plus, in exile from Bag End and settled in Rivendell

Blue Blight

And who can remember
the Blue Blight of Aught Eight
and what it did to the hybrid popcorn crop?

knapped adze

This knapped adze is Neolithic Fertile Crescent. It was more common to carve progeny doppelgangers into one's tools than one might think.

Hermes

The harlots and thieves were in need of someone who could look after them. Hermes was their man. The shepherds and drifters, the actors and grifters - they were in need as well. Most all of them were on their way to someplace else, so couldn't be waylaid for long, but they all wanted something.. absolution, extra umph, a witness..

Hermes was on top of it. After all, he was Messenger of the Gods. Wings on his heels, the whole nine yards. Those came in handy early on, rustling cattle owned by his bother, Apollo. The Gods overlooked transgressions like that back then. Fact is, they needed fleet feet. They also needed someone who couldn't abide boundaries, as he'd have to pass in and out of the underworld.

Hermes fit the bill all around for gods and gypsies alike.

Methuselah

Methuselah lived to 969.
Hidden Missives posts a thousand today.

2009 DD45

A rock three school buses across came within a couple satellite orbits of our world today. Might've wiped us out, but it looked down and saw we were already about wiped out, so it kept on going.

tender

tending waning fire near dawn

Callistonian Emissary

Jovian Moonite Begins Goodwill Whirlwind Tour
Seeks Moratorium On Earth Colonization of Callisto