Sunday, December 31, 2006

Let's Call the Whole Thing Off

Out with the old year and in with the new. And where does that get you? The old one was a perfectly functional year. Why, just last October it was winning accolades at the annual awards ceremony. It was sunbathing at Saint Tropez last July. It fell madly in love in April. Why, just last February it finally shed its training wheels.

Sure, it's a little long in the tooth now, but this new year is an unknown property. Do we expect preciousness to get us through the cold winter months? Couldn't this cherub be foisted on us in May or June instead of January? What we need now is experience. Let's keep the old year until it keels over and dies, what do you say?

Saturday, December 30, 2006

Papa Legba

I was standing on the corner of Sixth Avenue and Seventh Street, waiting for the Loa bus. I was cold, so I began shuffling my feet and clapping my hands together. In doing so, I worked up an interesting rhythm.

A dog sidled up to where I stood and looked up at me expectantly. I figured he was hungry, so I tore off some of the fried chicken I'd been eating and gave him some. He seemed grateful, but rather than look to me for more, he put his ears back and stared down Seventh.

From that direction came slowly an old man, hobbling along on a pair of crutches. His face and arms were covered in sores and bruises, and he was having a hard time breathing. As he approached, the dog went up to him and licked his hand. I stopped shuffling. He chuckled.

"You don't want to stop now, son," he said to me weakly. "You're almost there."

I had no idea what he meant, but the spark in his eye made it clear that he did. The dog wagged its tail. The old man sat himself down on a bench I hadn't noticed was there. I sat down too. I looked down Sixth, then straight ahead. He looked at me looking.

"What you want," he said, "is not far off."

"The bus?" I asked. "I imagine not."

"No, not the bus. What you want. You know you can have it."

I stood up and started to walk away. Then I stopped and walked back. I looked down at him and he met my gaze, smiling. He drew a pipe from his coat pocket, struck a match to it and smoked, all the while studying me. This weak old man was not weak at all. He had resolve to beat the band.

I wanted to tell him I didn't know what he was talking about, but something stopped me. Because I knew what I wanted. Maybe he was right. The dog looked at me, then at the old man, and then back at me. The Loa bus pulled up to the corner and the door opened wide. A wave of warmth hit me.

"It's my bus." I said quietly. "I have to go."

The old man nodded. "I'll see you," he said.

He and the dog watched me climb aboard and take a seat near the front. I turned to wave, but the old man had picked up his crutches and was walking on up Seventh. The dog trotted down Sixth.

Friday, December 29, 2006

Nondecisional Escalation

The great decider, a uniter not a divider,
has reached a decision on the division that splits us.
This after the fact-finding mission to back
another cynical division deployed in Iraq.
General consensus on green zone defences concur
a surge is what's needed in order to urge
the insurgents to cease their insurrection.
But the meeting in Crawford to be nondivisional
means the final results must be nondecisional,
and that means no means to an end must occur.
But damn, there's always that next election.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Billybob Pod

WANTED FOR PIRACY:
* Billybob (aka Captain Mr. Bill, aka Willyboy, aka Junkie Dan)
* Suspected of years worth of nefarious deeds of daring-do on the high seas.
* Distinguishing features: Missing a few fingertips due to mishap involving a shark.
* Believed to be recently armed with ultraviolet vision after emerging from some sort of pod.
* Should be considered dangerous. Do not mess with him.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Gort

The total blanket our parents left us waits crouched with the linen, an everyday object that we are content to imagine. We air it out now and again, hang it on the line for the neighbors to see and marvel at. Then we remothball it, return it to its shadow world, sigh and say we hope we never have to use it. Klaatu barada nikto.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Oni

Jombo was not only the village witch doctor, but the son of a hyena. He laid eyes on Oni and wanted her for his wife. But Duna, Oni's father was cheap and would not put forth so much as a rooster for her dowry. So Jombo felt he had no choice but to cast a spell upon Oni, and so turned her to a halfhag.

One day, Kwame, a halfdweeb, passed through the village...

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Xmus Yums

Here are three of the world's most popular Christmas sweet treats, guaranteed to turn any frown upside down.



Umm-uhmm. Bone marrow crackers. Okay, they taste like sawdust, but reindeer love 'em. Leave a plate of these out tonight and there'll be no leukemia in store for Donner or Comet.




Oh. Wow. It's old fashioned rhubarb circus candy. Just like the kind that made everybody sick at the State Fair last October, only with the strychnine removed, I think. Elves and clowns scarf these down, usually with no ill effects.





Santa's absolute favorite. Treaclemint cookies. Laced with Ecstasy, they get results. No way you're not getting a Playstation 3 if you leave these out.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Howard Stern

From the Clean Channel to the Dog Star, Howard continues to remind us of the words of Lenny Bruce:

"Take away the right to say fuck and you take away the right to say fuck the government."

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Leech

I tell ya, you're aLL Right. You're All righT in my boOk, know what I'm sayin'? You're OkAY!
Hey. You're FLush. Buy me A drink, wouldJa?
You'd Do that for mE? You are a GentLeman and a Scholar, sir.
Merry goDDam chrismas!