Tyland Heffelschmidt

Wanted: Ionian Rebel

The Parts Requisition Department of ZynCorp posts this snap of an unidentified Ionian rebel caught on camera during a recent armed robbery at the central facility. Anyone with information as to the rebel's identity or the whereabouts of eight shipping pods containing bio-electronic components is urged to contact ZynCorp or the local authorities.

Camo Face Paint

Sure, you can hit the duck blind camo'd head to toe, but if your face is exposed, you'll be a dead giveaway. Birds ain't dumb, you know. Next time you go hunting, arm yourself. Wear our Camo Face Paint and hide your ugly mug.
(Available in Snow, Woodland, Jungle and Desert Storm.)

Clone Cocoon

Here, lab-grown stem cells hatch replacement skin.

Young Master Spock

Eos

Wearing her feathered headdress and flower-woven robe, Eos rides her chariot across the morning sky, briefly exposing Heaven by revealing the Dawn. Her sister Selene wanes, her brother Helios rises. Venus, the morning star, looks on and approves.

Although a real looker, Eos (Aurora to Rome) was forced to kidnap many of her lovers. She bore them all the major winds, the planets, and most of the stars. When her kids fail to visit or write, she cries. Her tears are the morning dew.

Odd Child

Aunt Harriet

I'm on my way to Aunt Harriet's. If her Thanksgiving Day spread is anything like last years or the twenty-seven before that, I can look forward to Spam, boiled potatoes, pickled beets and jellied figs. I've got my stomach staple story down pat.

Serge Gainsbourg

Laid back est l'homme à tête de chou.

Country Pop

Father of Our Country, George Washiguana.

Morgue Arrival G

The less said about this John Doe, the better.

Peter Jones

The Witness Protection Program has done well by Peter Jones.

Lumberjack

Not all lumberjacks are okay.

Mt. Orson

Mercury Theatre Founder's Lysergic Likeness Carved Into Painted Hills To Promote RKO Blockbuster.

Ona

Remember that Lithuanian princess? Ona, I think her name was. No, you wouldn't remember her, would you? You're too young. Trust me, thirty or forty years ago there was a Lithuanian princess, name of Ona. She came to Spokane, no one knows why, but she got the red carpet treatment. Far as I can recall, she was the highest born royalty these parts had seen since, well, ever.

Anyhow, they had her all decked out in the Davenport and folks came from miles around just to gawk at her. She wore silver moire under a gold lamé cape which she didn't mind flourishing for effect. When the spotlights hit her, men went blind. She danced with the bedazzled and charmed each out of their wallets. The GDP of Lithuania spiked that year.

Evie

Afterwards, I couldn't look at her without the knowledge that she knew something I didn't.

X-Ray

The latest disturbance in the nightmare that is my life came this week when I viewed this x-ray my family doctor took of my shadow. I had no idea such a dark and frightening visage was following me around. I fear it harbors evil intent. From now on, I'll venture outdoors only on cloudy days.

Zapotec Fetish

alabaster cloud person

Green Man 2

Outdigenous

When the last Tanu Kopi arrived in Miami Beach by skiff from the Amazon rainforest, the language died and the customs were lost, but the city gained one hell of a blowdart hunter.

Baby Confabulator

Want to know what your tyke's thinking? Ask your behavioral specialist about the Baby Confabulator. There's no need to wait until your toddler learns to talk; by that time he'll have learned how to lie anyway. Just hook him up to the Confabulator and communicate with the little booger, one on one. Let him clue you in as to what it's like being an infant. You'll be amazed! Start teaching him right from wrong, while you still have his attention.

You can even program the Confabulator to introduce new experiences to your baby. You say he's never parachuted from a plane? Never completed medical school? Never found true love? The Confabulator can bestow these experiences on your kid, and he'll have memories that will last a lifetime. And they'll be your memories, too.

Cloud Scout

Hiring a cloud scout is the only way to get through the Fledgionic Soot of Regulus 3. Interstellar debris is so thick within 600 quarceps of Alpha Leonis A, it takes a highly skilled dust dodger to avoid a deadly collision. The best of the scouts are the Quiffles, equipped as they are with matter-sensing jowl snouts. And the best of the Quiffles is this fellow, I forget his name. But no matter - he''s not available, in any case. Can I interest you in an Acme DustDrone?

Jack B.

Jack be nimble,
Jack be quick,
Jack fell into a vat of fuming nitric acid.

St. Ignatz

Oh, yeah. It's All Saints Day.
Here's one. It's Saint Ignatz. Professed his mortal love to a goddess, who spurned him. Martyred by bricks.