U.S. Bans Heliotropism

The United States World Government today banned the use of heliotropism in all its manifest forms, at the urging of its ruling counsel, Homeland Security.

Heliotropism, the tendency of plants to turn toward the sun, has been proven to be an effective triggering mechanism for improvised explosive devices. It has been at the center of heated debate this month on Capitol Hill, as Republicans have argued for its criminalization and Democrats, heavily influenced by the Farming Lobby, have argued for its continued use under tightened restrictions.

The debate was curtailed Friday evening when an order from above was given to outlaw the use of the natural law, and penalties were assessed for violations. Those range from heavy fines to extraordinary rendition to death.

The new restrictions go into effect first thing tomorrow morning.