Sunday, December 30, 2007

Friday, December 28, 2007

Vartouche Muktana

One does not quash nibblies this side of Pureck Thu without obtaining express blizale from Vartouche Muktana.
If one tries, one dies.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Shelley

Bust of Percy Bysshe Shelley sculpted in driftrock on that Tuscany shore, then cast to the sea as his pyre burned. Oh, lift me as a wave, a leaf, a cloud! Speculation has it his doppelgänger, who had warned him of his death a month earlier, was the sculptor. Tell that its sculptor well those passions read which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things.. and hear the sea breathe o'er my dying brain its last monotony.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Pope Giuseppe I

Lesser known still is Pope Giuseppe I, whose papacy lasted only a day and a half in 1829. It took that long for the Council of Cardinals to realize the vicar they elected had been dead for six days. His reign, although brief, was noted for its equanimity.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Police Sketch

Here is an artists' rendition of the suspect,
based on eyewitness accounts of LSD purchasers.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Brownie

Take heed how you gift a brownie. If he feels it's a payoff for his favors, he'll be gone in a trice.
(And don't make fun of his nose, either.)

Monday, December 17, 2007

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Nefertiti

For Nefertiti, all the old gods were so 17th Dynasty. Ra, the sun hawk, was dead. The sun disc, Aten, was the New God, the One Worthy God. Nefertiti and the Pharoah changed their names to represent the new order, accepted from all Egypt prayers on Aten's behalf.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Whipsnade

This here's one a them Whipsnade boys.
Can't rightly tell which one as they all look alike.

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Aeolus

How a floating island can contain deep caverns, I sure as hell don't know - but Aeolia had them and they were jam-packed with gusts and gales and even a zephyr or two. Aeolus, a man of winds, dealt them out as need be at the bidding of Olympus.

Some such wind blew in Odysseus's ship and they bivouacked there awhile. When the time finally came to shove off, Aeolus presented to Odysseus a leather bag containing every breeze but the one that blows from the west. They sailed east.

One may wonder how they made it as far as they did, but eventually they came in sight of their home shores. It was then the crew got to wondering what sort of plunder the captain was hiding in the bag, so they opened it and released the winds. The sails filled and the ship was off again. When Aeolus heard, he wasn't amused, as the misuse of wind was a serious matter in those days. He refused to deal out anymore of the stuff, and so becalmed, the crew had to eat a lot of beans to get moving again. In the wrong direction, of course.

Friday, December 07, 2007

Burrow Grub

100X anterior view of Sumatran Burrow Grub (nasutus unguiferous)

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Tina

Tina thought often of her father and his flights of fancy. Her father thought of those flights as well, only to him there was nothing fancy about them. They were just the daily mail runs between Cardiff and Cherbourg. Tina hoped his turboprop reveries would keep him young.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Morgue Arrival H

Subject was male between 30 and 60. Recovered from marshy fen. Ninety percent of skin devoured by flesh-eating bacteria; much of muscular system also eaten away. Able to determine that little of the damage occurred post mortem. Surmise final hours somewhat unpleasant.

Sunday, December 02, 2007

Norma Floy

Norma Floy, actress, dancer and victim of Decoflapperosis,
a side effect of the Lindy Hop.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Wanted: Ionian Rebel

The Parts Requisition Department of ZynCorp posts this snap of an unidentified Ionian rebel caught on camera during a recent armed robbery at the central facility. Anyone with information as to the rebel's identity or the whereabouts of eight shipping pods containing bio-electronic components is urged to contact ZynCorp or the local authorities.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Camo Face Paint

Sure, you can hit the duck blind camo'd head to toe, but if your face is exposed, you'll be a dead giveaway. Birds ain't dumb, you know. Next time you go hunting, arm yourself. Wear our Camo Face Paint and hide your ugly mug.
(Available in Snow, Woodland, Jungle and Desert Storm.)

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Friday, November 23, 2007

Eos

Wearing her feathered headdress and flower-woven robe, Eos rides her chariot across the morning sky, briefly exposing Heaven by revealing the Dawn. Her sister Selene wanes, her brother Helios rises. Venus, the morning star, looks on and approves.

Although a real looker, Eos (Aurora to Rome) was forced to kidnap many of her lovers. She bore them all the major winds, the planets, and most of the stars. When her kids fail to visit or write, she cries. Her tears are the morning dew.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Aunt Harriet

I'm on my way to Aunt Harriet's. If her Thanksgiving Day spread is anything like last years or the twenty-seven before that, I can look forward to Spam, boiled potatoes, pickled beets and jellied figs. I've got my stomach staple story down pat.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Friday, November 16, 2007

Peter Jones

The Witness Protection Program has done well by Peter Jones.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Mt. Orson

Mercury Theatre Founder's Lysergic Likeness Carved Into Painted Hills To Promote RKO Blockbuster.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Ona

Remember that Lithuanian princess? Ona, I think her name was. No, you wouldn't remember her, would you? You're too young. Trust me, thirty or forty years ago there was a Lithuanian princess, name of Ona. She came to Spokane, no one knows why, but she got the red carpet treatment. Far as I can recall, she was the highest born royalty these parts had seen since, well, ever.

Anyhow, they had her all decked out in the Davenport and folks came from miles around just to gawk at her. She wore silver moire under a gold lamé cape which she didn't mind flourishing for effect. When the spotlights hit her, men went blind. She danced with the bedazzled and charmed each out of their wallets. The GDP of Lithuania spiked that year.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Evie

Afterwards, I couldn't look at her without the knowledge that she knew something I didn't.


Saturday, November 10, 2007

X-Ray

The latest disturbance in the nightmare that is my life came this week when I viewed this x-ray my family doctor took of my shadow. I had no idea such a dark and frightening visage was following me around. I fear it harbors evil intent. From now on, I'll venture outdoors only on cloudy days.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Outdigenous


When the last Tanu Kopi arrived in Miami Beach by skiff from the Amazon rainforest, the language died and the customs were lost, but the city gained one hell of a blowdart hunter.

Monday, November 05, 2007

Baby Confabulator


Want to know what your tyke's thinking? Ask your behavioral specialist about the Baby Confabulator. There's no need to wait until your toddler learns to talk; by that time he'll have learned how to lie anyway. Just hook him up to the Confabulator and communicate with the little booger, one on one. Let him clue you in as to what it's like being an infant. You'll be amazed! Start teaching him right from wrong, while you still have his attention.

You can even program the Confabulator to introduce new experiences to your baby. You say he's never parachuted from a plane? Never completed medical school? Never found true love? The Confabulator can bestow these experiences on your kid, and he'll have memories that will last a lifetime. And they'll be your memories, too.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Cloud Scout

Hiring a cloud scout is the only way to get through the Fledgionic Soot of Regulus 3. Interstellar debris is so thick within 600 quarceps of Alpha Leonis A, it takes a highly skilled dust dodger to avoid a deadly collision. The best of the scouts are the Quiffles, equipped as they are with matter-sensing jowl snouts. And the best of the Quiffles is this fellow, I forget his name. But no matter - he''s not available, in any case. Can I interest you in an Acme DustDrone?